Hey Man, Nice Shot December 19, 2008

It’s 6:12 in the morning and I am winding down from a slightly manic cleaning spree and my first 24 hours without nicotine. I’m fairly sure mopping at 5:30 am, while in one’s skivvies, is one of those uniquely bipolar things.

Shopping for Christmas presents (for people I didn’t expect to buy me things, and therefore must reciprocate the gifting in a not-really-last-minute kind of way), I decided that this whole green movement really pisses me off.

More accurately, the fact that people who five years ago wouldn’t care about tossing a six-pack sheath into the ocean to choke innocent fish are now running round with recycled market bags, worrying about carbon footprints and global warming.

Eight inches of snow in southern Louisiana makes me wonder about that last one, and what exactly is going on with our climate. But my point is more that the green movement is a trend, a fad, and a way for people to be fashionably concerned about the environment, while the majority couldn’t give two fucks about what really happened to the Earth and are just waiting for the next trend to come along.

Knowing society that next trend will be something like impaling dolphins on spikes made of not-recycled steel or somesuch. 

It’s frustrating for people who were onto the whole environmental awareness thing ten or fifteen years ago, as I was, and were mocked and ridiculed. Now, suddenly, a little spotlight has these Inconvenient Truths (r) something everyone and anyone can spout off. I know I should be grateful that people are finally showing concern.

Another thing that reeeeally pisses me off? This Product (RED) business. Why charge extra for something just to donate a measly ten or fifteen cents to whatever subfund you choose with this RED bullshit? Why not be a cheaper version of the item and DONATE THE EXTRA MONEY.

Much like the shelter dog versus pedigree argument. Instead of spending FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to buy a dog, go to a shelter. Pay 70 dollars, for the shots and whatnot, and donate the other FOUR HUNDRED THIRTY to the shelter for supplies. 

Why does everything have to be about glory and prestige? 

I’ve decided that instead of grad school, I’m joining AmeriCorps. I should be able to live by myself, which means not forfeiting the kitties. I’ll be able to do the work I want to do, and then decide if I really want to go back for my MPA.

Ch-ch-ch-changes November 29, 2008

Suddenly my schedule for New Year’s Eve (and the rest of winter break, for that matter) is rather empty. 

The breakup wouldn’t've been so damaging to the ego had it not been for the changed FaceBook status that indicates that Dearly Departed Ex is now interested in men.

Yes, I checked FaceBook. More specifically, I wanted to salvage a tiny piece of dignity and figure out if I’d been the first to end the relationship. Never able to ascertain that, but apparently he’s throwing out one last dig by implying….something…..with that edit to his profile, and to his sexual orientation.

Speaking of covets and comparisons…. November 28, 2008

I spent the majority of the evening (when I wasn’t bemoaning how overstuffed I was) searching online for the perfect digital camera for my measly allowance of less than $200.

I’ve become a victim of the customer review. If I just based my choice on prices and specs, I’d have made my decision hours ago and would be peacefully slumbering.

But no. I have to read every review, figure out the positives and negatives, and run all over creation in three hours to find the best deal.

 

Background: I’m going to England this summer. It’s my first trip abroad, and it’s to a place I’ve always loved even though I’ve never seen it. My mum wants to buy a digital camera for me for Christmas, and to me that shows that she’s accepted that I want to go abroad and will help me with whatever I need. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it’s important to me that she back my decision, and though this is a token gesture, it’s still a gesture. 

It doesn’t hurt that she’s the one that will be shepherding me all over creation tomorrow.

Why am I so reliant on customer reviews? At what point did I decide that word of mouth wasn’t enough, and I needed to read every review by every gruntled (back formation!!) or disgruntled customer who’d ever purchased an item? I don’t think I’ve ever written a customer review. How many people are totally satisfied with the product but did not feel the need to rave about it? I think the only time I’ve ever written a review was on RateMyProfessors. I hardly think that counts, though.

Am I incapable of making my own decisions? Are we, as a collective consumerist society, incapable of deciding for ourselves which is the best use of our (limited) funds, and instead defer to the comments and criticisms of our peers?

Covets and Comparisons November 27, 2008

I spend my whole life coveting other people and comparing myself to those I covet. What is there to gain from this behavior? Constant feelings of inadequacy notwithstanding, I only find myself digging deeper into a rut of lowered standards and shattered self-image.

Facing the twentysomething years as a bipolar is a challenge, always. It’s a challenge every morning to get out from under the security of the covers and face a world that doesn’t understand.  A world that can’t quite comprehend that though a handicap or illness or disease or disorder isn’t visible, just because mental illness doesn’t require a walker or a wheelchair, there is still a demon we fight every.single.day. 

How to show the world I’m a fighter?

How to show myself I’m a fighter? 

I’m still in school. It’s definitely been a struggle. I spend my life conflicted. I’m a bipolar Gemini. On the cusp of Taurus. Every moment is one of conflict. 

 

Proving that I can handle undergrad will give me the strength to tackle grad school. Even if it did take me longer to get there. Even if it does take me longer to get through it. The point is, the point has always been, that we all have our own struggles, and I know that mine isn’t the worst by far. But I’m winning this thing, and I know a lot of people with fewer demons who have done less than me. 

 

So maybe comparisons aren’t all bad. There’s a happy medium between comparisons destroying ego and bolstering a competitive nature. It’s all about perspective.